The Panic

Those that know me as BR Saiph are aware that I live a life of a locked cuckold to my very controlling (and a little dominant) amazing and beautiful wife @MrsBr_Saiph.

Perhaps you’ve read one of my books, or my posts, or followed my journey on Regardless, it may come as a surprise to you and even a disappointment if you’ve vicariously enjoyed my tales, that two months ago it all came to a hard (no pun) stop.

For the last two months I’ve been unlocked, non-dominated, uncontrolled, felt no submissive urges, been very alpha, and sexually independent with my own orgasms (with my hand and with my darling wife). So in other words, pretty much lived a vanilla life.

Why, you exclaim in horror, would you do this when you yourself sought this lifestyle for so long?

Truth is, being a cuckold is at times fraught with challenges, both personal and in the relationship dynamic. In my case, I went off the rails suddenly and with no warning and crashed into a wall of insecurity and resulting self-pity. My darling S. had done nothing wrong, we weren’t even actively engaging with a bull (thanks pandemic). Ask any cuckold, that’s just how it goes. One day you’re good, one day you crash hard.

Long story short, my cuckoldress stopped all kink and propelled us into vanilla. She picked me up, and made me whole again in both mind and spirit. A healthy cuckolding relationship means you always come first for each other. Did I mention how much I love this woman?

As that unfolded, I almost lost her in a head on collision with a drunk driving mother fucking ass wipe. Guess how I feel about shit heads who drink and drive? Anyway, back to sexy talk!

A long month of recovery for her and things were starting to look more normal in so many way and then we received an invitation from a bull she’d been chatting with, to something called a fuckfest. Maybe I’ll post about that someday with all the incredible details. Point being, my incredible cuckoldress wanted to gift me a full hall pass this one night. It was part of the ‘building me back up’ process. Did I mention how much I love this woman?

Long story short, it was the icing on the cake and I was indeed a new man the next day. It was unimaginably difficult for her to watch me with another. She is not a cuck remember? She is a cuckoldress. She never wanted to swing, never wanted to see me with another, and only entered the lifestyle because we agreed she would play with others, not me. However, her love and concern for my fragile male ego made her overcome her pain and give me this gift of sexual liberty for one incredible night of debauchery.

That is selfless love, and I will be forever grateful and forever aware of the sacrifice she made for me.

Of course, nothing is free my friends and when the party is over, the party is over. So it was with her usual cold calculating no-nonsense tone that she announced to me yesterday that my freedom was over. She had decided I needed to be locked up and put back down into my place because the shenanigans had gone on long enough.

“You’re all better. This is for the best. You’ll see.” she said. It wasn’t a question.

So last night the cage went back on, and the panic set it instantly. Isn’t it funny how the mind and body can forget so quickly what the soul knows intimately.

“The ring is too tight, I can’t get my balls into that!”

“You’ll be fine.”

“Baby, this cage is too small, my cock has re-grown too much!”

“You’ll be fine.”

“Can’t we wait until the weekend?”

“Don’t make me say it again.”

And so, my life as a red-blooded, orgy-fucking, do what I want with my own cock independent thinking man came to an end.

Today, the panic is even more intense. I think about how I can’t get an erection or grasp that erection tightly in my fist simply because I want to. I must now ask for Her permission. She will decide when or even if I am allowed any physical pleasure with Her cock. PIV will again be a treasured reward, and orgasms even rarer.

After 28 years of happy faithful monogamy, I was granted a taste of the sexual freedom that she so readily enjoys whenever she wants, and now I must accept that it was only that, a taste. Sexual freedom is not for me, I am Her submissive, I am Her cuck, and I must again submit to Her will and control over my body and in many ways my mind.

I no longer have the control over my own most prized possession that I had just a mere day ago and now have lost.

Again I will look at women and wonder what would they think of me if they knew I had allowed my cock to be locked in a cage.

Again I must sit to pee, every time.

Again I must look down at my crotch and wonder what it feels like to have an erection simply because I want to.

I sought this lifestyle desperately for years. I asked for this, even so much as begged for it in so many ways. I yearn for it when not locked and indeed despite my complaints, the cage felt like an old friend once it was back on.

My body rails against the steel injustice it must now submit to.

My mind struggles with panicked thoughts of loss of free will, for you cannot fight the might of the key in a skillful woman’s hand.

The fear is real, the panic is real, the desire to be free again, just for a day, is real.

Yet, my soul is content. My heart is bursting with love. I know this is but a regular part of the roller coaster of being locked up after a period of release. I’ve been through it countless times. I must hold my breath and hang on, for it will pass.

The serenity will wash over me as I slip peacefully down the rabbit hole of submission my beautiful and incredible darling S. will guide me into with her deliciously naughty and skillful mind, and all will be right in my world.

All will be as it should be as I kneel before my goddess, my key holder and cuckoldress, and walk beside my lover and my best friend, my wife.

The panic is real, but don’t fear it. Embrace it, cherish it for all the kinky wonder that it represents, and thank the stars you have been blessed with a woman that is willing to live this life with you in a way that fulfills and brings joy to you both.

I’m living the life I’ve always dreamed of, and that my soul has yearned for. I’m where I belong and am blessed to be.

The panic is a beautiful thing.